My Pretend Crowdfunding Campaign
Pretend means not real.
There are so many costs associated with making a record. There's the recording studio costs ($400,000), the musicians I have to hire, the publicists who charge $3,000 a month for one or two generic reviews from an online blog filled with quotes from my press release (that I wrote myself in the 3rd person) and maybe a 3.7 Pitchfork review, the list goes on and on.
Then there's the private jet rides (without my wife's permission and against my financial adviser's advice) that I paid for with my home equity line of credit,
the limousine service, the thrice daily massages for all band members, the limited edition turquoise vinyl pressing of 250 copies of the album that costs like $30,000 or some shit, the $15,000 FB ad budget that might yield 80 impressions and 16 link clicks and 4 sales...look, it's a LOT.
And hey, I'm not fudging these numbers one bit, it's just the facts that you should not google under any circumstances. Anyway, here's what I'm thinking for "perks" if you'd like to be a small (but well appreciated) part of my financial ruin!
$10: You get one "like" from me on a social media post (I pick the social media and post, beggars can't be choosers).
$25: You get a digital photo of the album cover, NOT the actual album, cheapskate.
$50: You get a burned CD-R of the album plus the two previous perks for FREE (less shipping and handling charge of $19.99).
$75: Burned CD-R, the other two perks (less shipping and handling charge of $29.99) PLUS I'll send you a personal greeting of "hey" (I don't have time to capitalize the H) on the social media of my choice.
$100: You get an ACTUAL CD! Plus all the other crap (less shipping and handling charge of $59.99) and for a limited time, I'll also think about you for a few seconds while I'm mowing the lawn or something.
$250: You get a CD, all the other stuff (less shipping and handling charge of $89.99) and you get a 5 minute Zoom call with me where I may or may not interact with you based on my mood that day.
$500: All the previous bullshit plus I'll come over to your house (must live within one mile of my house) and play half of a song from the new record for you and then leave without saying goodbye.
$1,000: All the stupid crap from before and um, I don't know, I'll high five you or something? Who gives a shit?
$2,500: Wow! You have a LOT of disposable income!
$5,000: Seriously? Don't you have kids to put through college or something? What if your central air breaks and you need a new AC unit? That's $5K right there for a 2 ton with a 14 SEER, sport. You need to learn to stop being so impulsive and start saving for the future. Jesus.
$10,000: Let's be best friends forever.
$50,000: Mr. Musk, go fuck yourself.
$100,000: Two signed CDs, all the other stupid crap (less shipping and handling charge of $199.99) PLUS I'll come over to your house (must live within one mile of my house) and play you one entire song from the new record and I'll even say goodbye to you (eye contact not included).